babies

i just read a post from a childhood friend (well, her husband actually) about their newborn son in the nicu... and about the other baby their doctor is treating who is dying. makes me remember when i used to work with newborns, and the trips through the nicu i made myself.

i used to be a newborn photographer. (that job was about as awesome as it sounds.) for most babies, we photographed them about the day after they were born, but for babies in the nicu we didn't photograph them until the day they went home. for some it was only a few days after birth, but for others it was months. once i did triplets. three little girls, a blond, a brunette and a redhead, all squished into one basinet and so completely adorable. another time i was walking through the nicu, led by a nurse (you had to be buzzed in), and i passed another nurse feeding a baby that only weighed one pound. bottle feeding. the baby was perfect, just tiny. strong enough to drink from a bottle the size of a salt shaker.

twice, though, i had to photograph dead babies. not for the parents, not as keepsakes... the hospital social worker wanted them, i guess to use for therapy for the mother. it was one of the saddest experiences of my life. one of them just looked like a fetus. we were never told the details, but this one was clearly born way too early... the skin was transparent, the eyes bulged out, the hands weren't fully formed. like an ultrasound image, only she was real. the other one, though... he was a real baby. again, we were never told the details. but this one was big, chubby, in a cute little boy outfit. except he was blue.

i photographed thousands of babies during the couple years that i worked for that company. adorable babies, ugly babies (come on, admit it, some are ugly), happy babies, crying babies, sleeping babies. lots of twins. at one hospital, my favorite hospital, i got to take the babies with me back to the photo office (well, a former linen closet), and there wasn't enough room for the parents so i got to have them all to myself. that was my favorite. sometimes, if they were extra sweet, i'd just hold them while i entered all the info into the computer. i love babies. i crave holding babies. i have turned my dog into my baby because i want one so badly.

i think i might be pregnant. i know that i'm probably not, that i'm probably just being paranoid... but i've gained weight, all in my stomach, and my breasts are so sore. (overshare- sorry) i've taken a pregnancy test, but that was last month, and i'm just not sure... i know i should just be logical and go to the doctor, but i'm scared of what i might find out.