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i feel sad today. i'm trying so hard to stay positive, to get excited about christmas and moving, but i just get so sick of fighting every day. i feel like i do everything for him, cook and clean and drive and spend every penny i have on food for the two of us, and he still doesn't get it. i'm so sick of him asking other people for money, i can't stand it anymore. we're almost 30 years old, far past being "kids", and way too old to be begging money off our parents. i refuse to do it anymore. my parents can't afford it and don't want to give me money anymore, and quite frankly they shouldn't have to. i am an adult, i chose to leave them and move across the country to be on my own, so i should damn well be able to survive on my own. and i can. i'm so sick of him starting fights with me about money, about how i spend my own and why i won't ask my family for theirs, when he spends every extra penny he has on alcohol and drugs. it's disgusting, it makes me sick to my stomach and so, so angry i can't even breathe. the only things i ever buy for myself i end up having to return because we need the money more. i save up, expecting to have enough left over combined with his leftovers to get through the next week, or to do things, go to movies or go to colorado, only to find out at the last minute that he doesn't have anything left over. and then we're left with whatever i had budgeted to be half of what we needed, and somehow it's my fault that we don't have anything by payday. i get so tired, and so frustrated, and i can't even say anything to him because he's drunk or asleep or he just throws it back at me like it's all my fault and he won't even listen to me.

something has to change in a big way. i can't keep living like this. part of me (the smarter part?) thinks that this is how it's always going to be, nothing will ever change, could very well get worse, and if we're fighting about money now we will never last. the other part of me is terrified to leave, sad when i think about leaving, and does not want to admit to everyone else that i was wrong, that i made yet another huge mistake by deciding to be here with him. thinking about my life without him makes me really, really sad. heartbroken, in fact. i don't know what to do. he won't listen to me, and it's so infuriating.

i left work today. i was just so mad at him, i couldn't stand being near him, and i sat at a computer and stared at the screen and watched 1, 2, 3, 5 minutes tick by and i didn't log in, i just put my stuff away and walked out and drove home. i don't know how much longer i can live like this, and i don't know how to make him understand.