the one not taken

i shouldn't be writing this.

i shouldn't even be thinking this.

i'm over you. i chose someone else. i moved on. you left me and i moved on. but somehow i can't stop thinking about you. i've never stopped, all these years, i've moved on and i've moved away and i've moved in with someone else, but you're still there, always, at the back of my mind, on those nights when he's already asleep or we've been fighting or he's been drinking, and i'm wondering if you ever think about me. didn't you know, back then, how i felt? would things have ended up differently if you did? or is this destiny, is this how things are supposed to be?

i'm so over you, i convince myself that i'm happy you're happy with her. and then suddenly you're single again... and i'm sad for you, if you're hurting. i ache because i fear you are aching. and there, in the background, is that tiniest glimmer of hope. is there a chance now? but no, i'm with him, and he loves me, and it would kill him if he knew i was thinking this way.

half of me believes that whatever is meant to be will be, that fate has led me here, to this place, with this man, and that this is where i belong.

but the other half remembers making the decision, consciously choosing, to get over you and be with him. what if i hadn't? what if i had been more persistent? what if i had chosen there, instead of here? would we be together? would we be as incredible together as we were (are) in my dreams? would you give me what i need, the things that he can't? why do you still make me feel this way, after so long? will i ever feel about him the way i feel about you?

i shouldn't be doing this. we are on opposite ends of the country. what is it about you that makes me confess everything, pour out my heart so completely and keep nothing secret?

but i love him. i'm here, with him, because i love him. i loved you for so long that i can still feel the throb in my chest. i hope you're happy, and i mean that. i hope that fate has taken over, and that we are both where we are meant to be, that it wasn't simply my free will and my desperation to get out of that place and get over you that brought me here. i hope that one day we can be friends again, without the history and the secrets and the feelings, without feeling like i'm cheating. everyone has a first love, right?