day one

weight: 183.6
skin: ick



today i am starting my attacks on my appearance. attacks? yes. attacks. the first time i weighed myself, in november, i weighed about 189. so somehow over the holidays i actually managed to lose weight, which is interesting (and good, obviously). my highest weight ever, sometime in the summer after high school, was 192. i got back up there while i worked at the afternoon. and while i'm glad i didn't get back up there this time, i came pretty close, and i had vowed that i would never be there again.

last time i lost weight (about 30 pounds- i got down to 160 but couldn't break past that and get to the 150s), i used alli. it worked really well for me. the things i liked about it: first, it didn't have any "energy boosters", so it didn't give me that horrible, heart-pounding, anxiety attack feeling that my previous attempt at diet pills did. plus it really makes you pay attention to what you're putting in your body. if you slip up, or decide one day to fuck it and eat whatever you want, you feel it. in a horrible way. and yeah, the rumors you've heard about the effects are true. however, it's really easy to avoid those side effects. the basic rule is not to exceed 3 grams of fat in 100 calories. that's a basic, low-fat diet. and then the pill supposedly stops your body from digesting some of the fat that you do eat. so while you're cutting your own calories and fat, the pill is cutting even more for you. therefore, you lose weight.

so, i liked alli, but it was really expensive. also for some reason it was easier for me to eat out while i was on that diet because the calories and fat content are readily available in most restaurants and fast food places. when i cook at home (actually at the time i lived with my mom and was eating her cooking), it's for some reason harder for me to determine the fat content. i'm sure there are websites that can calculate it for me. in fact, i know there are, i just haven't ever used them. while i know i don't cook really fatty food, i do use butter and real cheese. (fat free cheese is disgusting, and butter just tastes good.) so i think i'm going to hold off on using alli for now. my mom is using something called healthy trim, and she's losing a lot of weight.

that's another reason why i really want to lose weight. aside from the upcoming weddings and colorado summer and generally just wanting to look good and feel better (mentally and physically), the idea of my mom being smaller than me is very distressing. i know that sounds awful. for my whole life, my mom has been overweight, which made it okay that i was overweight too. i hate being the fat sister, and the idea of being the only fat one in the family now is horrifying. so before i see them again, i'd like to lose about 20 pounds. i'm planning on visiting this spring (march or april, or as soon as i can afford it) so i think that's a reasonable goal. might be a bit tough, but reasonable.

the only glitch is that i can't exercise until i get my asthma/allergies under control. there is a 24 hour fitness right down the street, which is perfect, but i always use my inhaler before i work out and with the rate i'm needing my inhaler right now i think i'm going to need to go to the doctor before i start. i'm hoping i can get a prescription for more than one inhaler at a time, and maybe even get something stronger too.

this is also day one of using proactive again. my skin is just so disgusting, and while i know it's expensive, it's the only thing that has ever made it better. while it hasn't been perfect while using proactive in the past, i'm hoping this time will be better because i'm going to work more on following the process exactly (ie, not skipping any nighttime washes) and i'll get some extra products if i need to. and if it's still not perfect, i'll talk to a doctor about that too.

so... here goes nothing...